Have you ever been frustrated by a bank’s or another service provider’s irrational customer service decision? After a check bounced, this frustrated customer sent a furious letter. Furthermore, the letter is completely amusing!

Greetings, Mr. Sir.

I’m writing to thank you for bouncing my check last month, which I attempted to pay my plumber with. Three nanoseconds must have occurred between his depositing the cheque and the monies required to honor it being in my account, according to my calculations. Of course, I’m talking about the automated monthly transfer of monies from my tiny savings account, a setup that has only been in place for 31 years. You should be commended for exploiting that tiny window of opportunity, as well as for deducting $30 from my account as retaliation for causing your bank inconvenience.

My thankfulness originates from the fact that this occurrence has made me rethink my bad spending habits. When I try to contact you, I’m confronted with the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank has recently grown into, whereas I personally answer your phone calls and letters. From now on, I, like you, will only deal with real people. As a result, my mortgage and loan payments will no longer be automatic; instead, they will arrive at your bank via check, addressed individually and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must choose. Anyone else who opens such an envelope is breaking the law, according to the Postal Act.

I’ve enclosed an Application Contact Status form that your chosen employee must complete. I apologize for the eight-page document, but there’s no other way for me to learn as much about him or her as your bank does. Please remember that all records of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the required financial information (income, debts, assets, and obligations) must be accompanied by documented proof.

I’ll provide your employee a PIN number in due time, which he or she must use in any future transactions with me. Sorry, it can’t be any less than 28 numbers, but I chose it based on the number of button clicks required to check my account balance using your phone banking service. As they say, imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. On my new voice mail system, you will now have a menu of alternatives to choose from when you call me.

Please press the buttons below:

1. To make an appointment with me.

2. To enquire about a payment that has gone missing.

3. In the case that I am available, redirect the call to my living room.

4. In the event that I am sleeping, move the call to my bedroom.

6. If I am not at home, the call will be forwarded to my cell phone.

7. Leaving a message on my computer necessitates the use of a password to gain access to my computer. The password will be communicated to you by the Authorized Contact at a later time.

8. To hear selections 1 through 7 again, return to the main menu.

9. To make a general complaint or inquire about anything. After then, the contact will be put on wait while my automated answering service handles it. While there may be a long wait on occasion, the call will be accompanied by upbeat music.