I’m writing to let you know that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good husband to you for seven years, but it feels like I have nothing to show for it. These past two weeks have been incredibly tough, and finding out from your boss today that you quit your job was the final straw. Last week, you didn’t even notice my fresh haircut, the favorite meal I made for you, or the new silk boxers I was wearing.
You barely acknowledged me, ate dinner in two minutes, and then fell asleep after binge-watching your soap operas. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, and there’s no intimacy or connection left between us as husband and wife. Whether you’re cheating on me or you’ve just stopped caring, I’m done.
—Your ex-husband
P.S. Don’t bother looking for me. Your sister and I are heading to West Virginia together! Enjoy your life.
Nothing has made me laugh more than your letter. Sure, we’ve been married for seven years, but let’s not pretend you’ve been a good husband. I watch my soaps because they help drown out your constant complaining—not that it works very well.
Yes, I noticed your haircut last week, but all I could think was, “You look like a girl!” I chose not to say anything because my mother taught me to keep quiet if I didn’t have anything nice to say. As for that “favorite meal” you cooked, you must have confused me with MY SISTER because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. And those new silk boxers? I couldn’t look at you because the $49.99 price tag was still attached, and it’s no coincidence my sister borrowed $50 from me earlier that day.
Despite all this, I still believed in us and hoped we could fix things. So, when I won $10 million in the lottery, I quit my job and booked us a trip to Jamaica to start fresh. But when I came home, you were gone. I guess everything happens for a reason.
I hope you enjoy the life you’ve chosen. Just so you know, my lawyer says the letter you left ensures you won’t see a penny of my winnings. Good luck with that.